When I was four my cousin died choking on something, she was four also, then I witnessed a car accident on the way to buy ice cream with my sister — this song brought me peace and comfort with a 45-record collection my auntie gave us.
Still trying to make sense of cousin’s death, and my puppy love moved to Kelowna when we were about seven or eight, I decided we would get married when we grew up, and the boys, I played with down the street would sing this song but change the lyrics to rhyme with sun (from 45-record collection).
My first part-time job I got on my fourteenth birthday at a fried chicken place and an older kid would give me a ride home in his mustang and play Led Zeppelin. I wanted a mustang too and got one when I turned 19 and befriended anyone that liked Led Zeppelin never really connecting my story “Mine’s a tale that can’t be told, my freedom I hold dear.”
Narrowing down a fourth song is difficult, the album Little Creatures was played lots at the ski hill I worked at and always loved their writing, advice and insight, then about seven years ago I ran into an old friend and we both went through some recent challenging stuff, and he’d always quote this song “…You may ask yourself; well how did I get here?”
After going through a tough time this song would play on the radio and the doctor gave me maybe too many meds and I was mesmerized by this song as I felt it echoed my experience. “Born in a diamond mine It’s all around you but you can’t touch it.” I could relate to having no access to family money or my own little bit of money that was all gone.
Personal Essay
The funeral was on an overcast day, I stood there at her grave looking at the electrical wires and a white drum hanging from the wire, I was stuck by a loud thought. “Play the drums.” Was it an obvious idea? My intuition? What was giving me orders?
“Is there really a stairway above her grave, can we visit her in heaven?” My four-year-old self asked my auntie.
My auntie looked stumped and helpless, but she gave us kids a collection of 45-records with a child friendly record player that was portable enough to bring to my friend’s house.
Shortly after my cousin’s funeral, my older sister and I were crossing the never-ending field on a shortcut to Sweet Tooth to get ice cream. My sister was half the field ahead of me, and I stood there in a pout. Then I got a sudden change of attitude, an idea, more like a command to “skip” and catch up to her. As soon as I vacated the area, a car lost control, in a playground zone and slammed into a few trees in the field where I was just standing. I turned back and there was a young man with long black seventies hair, unconscious, with blood gushing from his temple. His car radio playing a song. I wanted to touch him through his open car door window, but a person in the crowd pulled me back. It could have been my mom that pulled me back, who watched the accident unfold from our front steps, prayed and ran to the field along with other neighbours.
I never really talked to anyone about these things just listened to the 45s and “Last Kiss” reminded me of how ‘I had to be good to go to Heaven and see my cousin again.’ Did the ‘Lord really take her away?’ That led me down years of trying to understand the nature of the Lord, and would he do such a cruel thing? I don’t think so, he grieves with us. (The Sermon on the Mount, Emmet Fox). “…The painful scream that I heard last.” Not sure what happened to the young man in the car accident. Shortly after, we got a new family dog, an English Springer and named him Skip.
Today, while looking for a parking spot at my mom’s nursing home, I saw my cousin who was at a specialist near my mom’s. This cousin was mother to my deceased cousin. She was just sixteen when the scandal of having a baby happened, then at four years old, her baby died chocking on something. The last time I saw my deceased cousin was at her mom’s wedding and she told me that this cousin of mine was not her sister, but her mom. I’m glad she knew the truth. I was amazed to randomly see my cousin today – serendipitous timing – in a city of over a million. I told her about this project and was hoping I’d talk to her soon.
Tonight, I am going to a community drum circle down the street, I never played drums (my brother ended up playing drums) my music teacher put me on clarinet after I asked to play drums, but that’s a different story.
These intuitive thoughts – where do they come from? Is it God? My higher self and internalizing a commanding voice? An angel? A frequency? Feels like an authoritative coach. My friend questions how I’m still alive, he feels I must have a guardian angel. I feel my strong intuitive thoughts must come from some God and/or an angel, that likes to get my attention when I am in danger or sorrow.
Surina Mulling it Over 
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