What made the sadness turn sadder to depression or immobilization or simply to contemplate and have different types of escapisms. Until a combination of escapisms and contemplations starts to feel productive, helpful, life affirming, purposeful. The things I want to do, how I want to spend my time. Am I an artist really? I could get philosophical and say we are all artist in some form or have some desire for creative expression. Be it in body movement, on different mediums and media, with different learning styles like the visual types – creating imagery with words, notes, paint, photos, sketch, pencil, to be drawn to these things and these people.  Creating memories, insights, growth, love, understanding, friendship, empathy, compassion or shock and horror, or even enemies / adversaries. I never really thought I had enemies. People that didn’t really like me but may have tolerated me or that I had to admit I did not really like them much but tolerated. Wherever people land, boundaries are needed, self-esteem and self-acceptance. Accepting of others, situations and the present. What is intolerable in the present? Tolerable?

Like with abuse and trauma the need to fantasize and escape, be strung out on the future or remorseful or too sentimental perhaps about the past . When to stop and look at the seeds planted, see what’s growing, what to nurture and develop, what to plan for or strategize, ponder or organize. What do I need to be learning from these experiences; the people and animals around me, from my environment and space, from my own interactions that make me feel positive or negative. Am I grateful for being clean and sober? For some measure of a return to sanity? For the gifts and less anxieties, for my current opportunities – those things to nurture care for. For the people in my life? Or am I judging and being demoralizing? Am I ok with some of these judgements and the corresponding shortcomings in myself?   

To turn some of these things into a positive. Next project, next idea/inspiration, next groove, enjoy the moment, next person or friend I meet that I admire something about their work, their business, their art, their product, how can it be bigger? Or enjoyed by more people? Or enjoyed by that special someone? Or what am I learning about my own projects? My own goals, or interest, my own recovery? Am I free from active addiction? And enjoying some of the promises of AA not because I was sold on them but because they desperately resonated with me, I suppose it’s hopeful to want to not be in fear of people or economic insecurity, or to not regret the past nor wish to shut to door on it, to know peace and serenity.

So, what turns these emotions into some form of acceptance. No real answer other than a spark, some hope, warmth, some optimism tempered with bits of reality seeping in. Until resilience is appreciated and the true encouragement we seek, past and present shines through.

It turns out that it’s also not all about business or what one can produce but what’s in their heart, their deposition that is enjoyable and pleasant to be around, this is what it is like to really enjoy the company of those around you and maybe even your own company.  

Neuroplasticity also gives lots of hope that we can change and gain awareness and develop new skills in many areas. To ultimately encourage self with healthy thoughts and encourage others. Choose to have good mentors, guides around in different formats from books, coaches, music to mental health professional and peer support.

What stories to share? Truth or fiction? Or creative non-fiction? How are they told…